clara chan. 19. trying to figure things out.
Monday, May 04, 2009
thoughts at three
I find myself turning more to my blog during the hols. Perhaps it’s because I have more time on my hands, which allows my mind to wander. But that can be a pretty bad thing, as I start to notice things that irk me which I would normally brush off cause I don’t have the time to deal with them as they are after all at the end of the day trivial. And it is simply because of this, I get increasingly frustrated and choose to escape instead of dealing with it cause it’ll be seen as sudden insane outbursts.
It’s three in the morning and I should totally be sleeping but I can’t for one thing I feel bad to ranting on and on to mych about how frustrated I am when I actually wanted a nice chat over crazy stuff. So sorry girl! And two, I feel just so crappy that knowing even if I go to bed, it wouldn’t be much better.
I realised that I’ve changed so much, for I used to love the thrill of running around and getting things done, while now, I rather stay home and just do nothing. Perhaps it is sheer exhaustion from all those years of running, but it doesn’t grant me any justification for wanting to lock myself up in my room.
I know my priorities have shifted drastically, and I think it scares some of my friends and definitely my parents to see such a switch in personality. Is like what germain said, what happened to clara who used to make sure that everything was done right?
But the question is what is right. Does being right means you need to do some wrong? Does being right means you need to hurt some people? I remember chris saying that sociology is made of up bored people who have nothing better to do in life but to complicate things. I thought it was funny when he told me that, but in retrospect, life itself is complicating, so perhaps they were trying to simplify things, just we take it as common sense, saying that this is just the way people are and ignoring the real depth in every issue.
Have we been avoiding the root of every issue that we’re dealing or have dealt with? Have I been allowing too many things to be brushed off my shoulders and hence causing me to feel absolutely ridiculous right now?
I’ve become increasingly incoherent in my entries, but it doesn’t matter. My blog has always and will be my outlet, my ranting ground and my escape route. Looking at my previous entries, I’ve realised that I perhaps took one setback way too hard, allowing it to alter everything in my life. But is that that right way to go? By doing so am I heading for the right direction in life?
Then again prof said the question of being right can never be answered for everyone is programmed to believe that whatever they’re doing is the right thing to do. I’ve seen enough cases of how something was right to someone but wrong to everyone else. But despite the majority opposing, the individual still felt that it was the right thing to do. So why bother asking what is right, why bother finding out and adjusting your actions and life to be right, cause no one can please everyone, and being right is a matter of relativity. So it’s probably time for me to finally fathom and instil this in my head, to give up trying to figure out what is right from wrong, and to accept that some stuff, whether I brush it off or notice it eventually will never sit well with me, but to the other, it is right and as long as I don’t into trouble, everything is and will be okay, at least in my supposed mind it will be.
Pardon my incoherent ramblings, it’s 3.30 in the morning.
3:25 am
