clara chan. 19. trying to figure things out.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
troubled
I’m troubled. My mom just asked me to clear my bags and give some away to a child. So I was like ok. Then she said, the bags are for her. And my whole mood changed. My mom could sense it and she told me that she is innocent and that she’s really having a hard time. She doesn’t even have toys and she’s a 3 year old kid.
It is extremely sad to grow up not having what others have and realising in the future that you are a child who’s mom is a bitch. A part of me wants to give her stuff, and let her have a happy childhood, and like mom said, she’s innocent. But a part of me can’t. I know she is innocent, but I cannot get over the fact that it is her mom who broke my uncle’s family up, who broke the hearts of my whole family, who used a knife and viciously pierced my aunt’s heart, who made my cousins live without a father, who made his life a complete misery, who made full family gatherings no longer possible, who totally ruined my 16th birthday, how can I?
I may be selfish, but I just can’t. Whatever I watched tv dramas and there’s the story of a child like her, being ill treated, and I feel so terrible, cause it is really not her fault and all she wants too is a happy family. But I really feel so troubled. I do want to help her, but I don’t want her mom to think that we are welcoming her to the family, allowing her to ask us for help or get anything from us. Cause she really is a bitch, who knew that what she did was wrong and yet persisted on doing so.
I know my uncle is at fault too, but I know too that my uncle cares a lot for my family, cause he comes back really often, and he cries whenever he thinks about his mistake. But he can’t walk away, cause of some reasons. But she can and please just walk away. I don’t know how can one answer to her conscious knowing that she broke a family up, claiming that all she wants is a family. How can you do that?
I really feel confused. I hate letting the girl suffer, but I hate the fact that her mom exists, that her mom can still sleep peacefully while my aunt is trying to raise three boys by herself, while the boys have to protected from some events so they won’t feel awkward, that my grandparents will never have the chance for another family full family picture to be taken cause either my uncle or aunt won’t be present, that the boys too cannot have a lot of things that others their age have, and how painful they will feel as they go through different milestones is their life having one parent missing at the event, and how others will look at them, and how my grandmother cried and felt so disappointed in herself.
It’s terrible, and I don’t know what to do.
11:04 pm
