clara chan. 19. trying to figure things out.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
a silent cry
Who am I? If you asked me this question half a year ago, I would definitely be able to answer you. I will tell you with confidence that I’m chan siying clara, someone who is striving to be an independent and strong lady, who knows how to fight for what she believes in and having a strong desire to make a difference. Ambitious or whatever you say it may sounds, it was who I wanted to be, who I was brought up to believe that I should be. But now, I find myself saying that I’m chan siying clara and nothing more.
It’s really weird and frustrating that I’ve been having so much difficulty going back to who I was. Each time when I feel okay and realising that I’m on track to who I really was, something knocks me down real hard or I have this strange feeling creeping over me telling me that part of me has died and it is never going to come back.
I realised that even though things are better, I’ve already lost that zest and believe in life. I’m really tired of fighting for what I believed in, for even just trying to put my best foot forward and trying to succeed. I no longer see the point in trying to be that all rounded kid, who tries to make the best out of everything, who tries to squeeze out every possible fun and enriching thing to do so that she won’t be wasting her life away.
I always wanted to be known as a person who was independent and had a strong desire to succeed. But now, I’m just contented to be a shadow in the wall. I have really no idea who I want to be, why I want to be it and how am I going about to do it. I just have absolutely no idea what I’m doing and what is wrong with me. I need an answer and I need peace.
I’ve been praying for calmness, strength and just peace. I find myself being unable to forgive myself for anything that happens, and I increasingly hate myself for it. I’m so frustrated with myself. And I really don’t know why. I cannot seem to grasp anything anymore and I cannot seem to be able to just stay calm. I look at everything now with fear and anxiety; I view things like everything is out there for some odd reason. And I find myself questioning everything. Like what am I doing, what others are doing and is there really a reason for me to be here. I know there is, cause I used to believe in it, but I can’t seem to be able to now. I’m struggling to understand and I really see no more desire to do anything now.
Just what is wrong with me? my heart feels so heavy and tired. And I feel like crying and screaming, but I can’t. I really hate myself now and I just need an outlet. This will be my outlet I guess, but it doesn’t seem to be working.
1:16 am
