clara chan. 19. trying to figure things out.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
a note
Hey all. School’s starting next week and I’m frankly more nervous than excited. My family and friends were commenting just the other day on how I’ve become considerably quieter and less outgoing then before. I knew that I’ve toned down a little, but I never realised that it was noticeable. To many, I’m still as noisy as ever, but they don’t realise that every step I take now is with immense caution and anxiety.
It’s strange how just is the one going for every camp possible while I have managed to avoid every single one of them. In the past, I was the one coming home late because I was meeting this group of friends or being held up at some meeting while just was the one home much earlier. Now, I rather be home than anywhere else and I rather avoid as many social situations as possible, unless it involves meeting my friends.
I guess the whole uni apps fiasco sorta moulded me to who I am today. I had to speak with caution and I basically avoided everyone I could so I need not feel uncomfortable or saddened that I’m such an embarrassment. Now all that is behind me, I find myself being unable to go back to who I really was and am stuck being quieter. Does it bother me? Frankly, a little cause uni is all bout savouring your last few years as students and any trace of child-like innocence. For once you step into the real world; every little move you make determines your life.
I rememeber for the past few months, I found it extremely difficult to understand and believe that a greater plan was out there and that everything that happened, happened for a reason. But it dawned on me in the last couple of days. I was adamant in doing a mass comm degree as I perceived it to be the best solution to being a journalist. I never really took time to understood what the programme really offered, neither was I open to other options. But now I realised that mass comm. was totally wrong for me, especially those offered in Singapore. For everything in communications was thrown in, production, research and stuff that I have zero interest in. So I could be practically wasting my time in school when I wanted to emerge from it a strong and independent thinker. And after looking though all the Australian schools, I learnt that there are actually courses that really cater to my needs and interest and I was heading for the wrong direction all this time. So after months, I finally understood what Goddess of Mercy was trying to teach me. She was trying to open my eyes, release me from my stubbornness and make me realise who my true friends are. It was a terribly long lesson, but a lesson I needed to take.
School’s starting and I pray for strength, an open heart and mind. I’m really starting in a completely new environment where I seriously have no close friends going to the exact same course as I am. Everything move I make will be to new people and it’ll determine what’s going to happen to me during my time in school. I pray that I have the guts to face up to everything, and take everything that happens into my stride. I pray that I will no longer be as narrow minded as before and that I will view everything with an open mindset and listen and accept everything with an open heart. The journey will only get tougher and I just want to emerge from it all stronger, independent and raring to go.
11:15 pm
