clara chan. 19. trying to figure things out.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
beach. liberation.
This week was rough. Really rough. I desperately wanted to go somewhere and just hide. To be not bothered with anything but just knowing that I’m alive and blessed with a day to live. The beach was just brilliant.
I always love the beach. Just the calmness it brings, feeling the sea breeze enveloping you in a warm embrace and the sun rays kissing your skin. It takes me to a completely different world where there are no worries and just blessings. When I was sitting at the water alone, I wasn’t trying to be emo or anything, it’s just my door to the other world. I felt amazingly comfortable just looking at the open sea and thinking about nothing. And each time the waves hit me, it was like trying to push all my worries away and it made me feel happier, much happier.
I’ve been a total and complete bitch this week. Cause the thoughts of being alone for 4 complete years dawned on me once more. I guess it was because I was able to enjoy so many things, cong’s and elroy’s pop, celebrate father’s day, dealing with keith’s dsa, picking daddy up from the airport and hanging out with my family and friends. To many, it may seem ordinary, but to me, being able to be here, just here in this tiny little dot helping my cousin with his school apps, picking daddy up from an overseas trip and seeing milestones occurring in my friend’s lives are things I will miss for four whole years. When I’m at down under, I can’t do that. I’ll be home only once a year, for only a couple of weeks each time. And when I return to aust, I won’t be heading home, I will be heading to somewhere that tries to replicate the warmth, comfort and love of a home, but failing miserably. And it scares me.
Just and I were supposed to go to school together, graduate together. It was a cool brother and sister thing that doesn’t happen to everyone. And it’s not going to happen now. In fact, it’ll be totally different. I will graduate later for one, having my graduation occurring in a place that costs an immense amount of money to go to, and most prob having only my parents and just there. My grandparents most prob can’t come, for it’ll be too far to go. I had always envisioned my graduation to be something awesome, with everyone there, cause I know it’ll be the day when my family will be proud of me. I’m the oldest granddaughter at my maternal side and the first girl at my paternal side to even enter a uni. And I’ve heard countless stories of them telling their friends about just and I, and now I feel so embarrassed. For they can happily tell others that just is going to law school, while I’m a failures seeking an education offshore, a kid no longer to be proud of.
If my students are still reading this, yes, I didn’t make it to a local university. Even though my letters have yet to arrived, I know all my appeals have failed too. So you will be seeing me in school again, till maybe even next year. And I’ll be heading to aust to get a degree, cause in a superficial society like Singapore, you cannot survive without a degree. So yes, I’m not smart or amazing you think I am. I took me months to be ok with it, but rest assured I’m a hell lot better now.
The beach made me feel happy, so so happy. I felt liberated. Entirely liberated. But it was only temporary. I want to feel liberated all the time, to know that I’m not just another person on this earth, but someone to be proud of. I want my worries to end. And I want to know that I’m wanted and accepted and good enough for somewhere soon.
4:19 pm
