clara chan. 19. trying to figure things out.
Friday, May 30, 2008
reflection
God loves playing tricks on people doesn’t He? Just when I was ready to stand up on my own two feet again and face the world once more with confidence and believe in that rainbow, my entire world came crashing down. After fighting so hard for that ray of hope, it just vanished within a matter of minutes, literally.
Everything that happened within the past couple of days made me hate myself ever so much, for not being sensitive, for being a bitch and for being someone that has no idea how to count her blessings. Yea, things that are happening to me now are like damn bloody shit ass, but I have a back up. So I guess I need to force myself to embrace that backup cause it seems that it is THE thing to do.
Just said something today that made me think that I’m actually a really blessed individual. I have people that actually listen to me cry and whine so much while he lost his only friend who did that. And as I thought back on the past few days, it’s true. And I feel extremely guilty about it. Because I’ve been really breaking down in front of so many of my friends that I think I gave them a terrible scare and yet they were trying their very best to make me feel strong and confident again. And nothing can replace them. And losing them is one of my greatest fears, honest. Unlike family, they are not tied to me by blood, and they can disappear without you knowing it. and I treasure them so much. And with the possibility of me leaving getting ever so real, I want to see them as much as I see my family, cause I want to treasure and remember everything amazing about them.
The last time I ever felt so vulnerable was actually in 2006, during council commendation. When the bishop held my hand and looked into my eyes, asking whether I would honour my word to lead and serve to the best of my ability, I found myself having difficulty looking back at him. It felt as if he could read right through me, and he knew every single one of my flaws and fears and it was really weird. I couldn’t bear to face him but I wanted to, cause at that time, I believed that he could give me the strength and assurance that I needed. It was strange yet comforting. And it was then that I first realized that all these years I was really hiding. Cause I always wanted to be that strong fearless girl as I know that any sign of vulnerability means that people will try to hurt you. But I guess it sorta make me unreal. Cause no one is void of emotions. And I guess that’s why I really broke down this week. Like really showing the true me, one filled with insecurities. And I’m ever so grateful for the people around me, who were without a doubt stunned yet forgiving.
So thanks a mill, like really, to my family, zhilun, ming jiang, oh, cheryl, jin zhuang, sam, nic and the list goes on. I need to get my life back on track again and be lead a life that is clear and bright, as it was intended to be.
12:33 am
