clara chan. 19. trying to figure things out.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
dark rainbow
It’s pretty insane how each time when I feel that confidence within me building up again, my world crashes, yet again. Today was sorta like the start of working towards rebuilding myself, and facing people that I fear. And I felt ok and comfortable, truly believing that maybe life isn’t that bad. And I started sounding like myself again, ready to handle anything that life throws at me because it is my life and I decide how to live with it. and yet, just mattes of minutes, I started feeling broken, once more.
While it’s true that I don’t feel as broken as before, I still feel like oh shit, I’m still going to make people worry and it’s my entire fault. Even though it was highly expected, I wanted to believe in that tiny glimmer of hope, because little things may grow and be big one day.
But I guess, regardless of how shit I feel, those people, whom my future literally depends on wouldn’t care. Yet they are asking me to understand their predicament. Oh yea right, please, spare me yea? Call me whatever you want, but you’ll never understand how I feel, regardless of how you may “try”. So please just stop torturing me and go away.
But what mj said is right, the life is mine, and I must prove those people wrong, for choosing to say that I’m not good enough. For you may think that I’m not good enough now, but I may be, no I will be, in times to come.
12:35 am
