clara chan. 19. trying to figure things out.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
i'm only human
When I first started blogging just over two years ago, I always had this image I wanted to portray. Then blogging was like something cool, with everyone was doing it for the fun of it and sometimes it was a way out. But somehow or rather, I always knew my blog would end up not being a chirpy place, but one that was truly where I could say something and pen my thoughts.
I vividly remember my essay in sec 4 on blogging, and how a character, then fictional, was lost in her world and needed an outlet where she thought she could be free. However, she realized blogging was doing her more harm then good, as she was in a constant fear of hiding; and she needed to be a certain someone as she was afraid of how people might perceive her.
And sometimes, I feel like I’m that character, and how it was so much fun and such a relief to say things out, yet, afraid. There have been numerous times that I wanted to shut this blog down, just because of that. And when I gave my students my blog add, I placed this pressure on myself to always be happy and be cheery, cause I do not want to harm them.
But I decided against it each time, simply because I’m human, and only human. I have emotions and I have thoughts. And no one’s life is perfect, everyone faces their ups and downs. So why should I be afraid of what people think, simply because I have the right to express my emotions and I made the decision to choose blogging as my outlet. And my students should know that, and they should know the real me, a human, not a picturesque fictional character.
So please pardon my faults and pardon my ever so often emo-ness. Cause life isn’t perfect, and I need to just take a breather before continuing my journey, learning to live life the best that I can.
The past week was tough, really tough. Even though I’m truly relief and grateful that the Goddess of Mercy returned my prayer regarding daddy, things have been tough regarding myself. And yes, it’s about uni applications, unfortunately.
First of all, I would like to apologize to my family, and friends and my students. I know that my constant fear and worry regarding my future education has ruined your day some point in time and I’m truly sorry. I guess I have no right to be bothered about it as the grades I got are what I deserved and that whatever has happened is through my own doing. And everything has been submitted, no matter how hard I cry and worry, nothing can change the fact that the decision is not within my control.
I feel truly terrible whenever I see the looks on my parents face, when they see their 18 year old daughter freaking out over something they can do nothing about to make it better. And I assure you that I’m learning to make things easier, as it’s not your fault and you shouldn’t be worrying.
I’m extremely sorry to my students, for I snapped at you guys ever so often and I couldn’t give my best that day. But for those of you who knew, thanks for being ever so caring and extremely cooperative. I really needed that. and I promise you that it won’t happen again. For it’s a blessing that I’m able to teach, so I should and will always do my best in teaching you guys.
And to my friends, thanks a billion for listening to me and always checking on me to see whether I’m ok. I know some of you are going through what I’m going through too and it’s not easy. Yet, you still comforted me and were there for me, all the time. I really treasure you guys so much, cause friends like you don’t come easily.
To cheryl, nic, oh, jz and germs, I really need to thank you guys. For listening, for encouraging me, for just plain being there. =)
And Sam, I need to apologize to you, very badly. I know the past week was tough, very tough for you. Yet, I wasn’t able to be the best friend that I could be. I’ll admit that immense jealousy, disappointment and worry overwhelmed me. I didn’t know how to face you. I knew you needed us, and yet I was so caught up with worrying about myself that I felt that I neglected your fears and insecurities. And I’m really really sorry. And I want to thank you, for letting me have so much fun on sat that I clean forgotten about everything that day, except celebrate our friendship. And know that I truly am happy for you, I truly wish you the best and I really want you to not worry so much as well. Cause he’ll be fine. =)
Someone once said,
“Pick yourself up from where you have fallen. And in your guilt, think of the things that make you happy; love, life and everything that you embrace in your heart. You will realize that even ordinary men like you can grow wings of an angel and unleash colours you’ve never seen before.”
I’ll pick myself up, for there is more to life and more for me to discover. =)
11:10 pm
