clara chan. 19. trying to figure things out.
Monday, May 28, 2007
fear
Being sick really allows you to reflect a lot. Got really pissed that I feel sick on the day or rather the day before the girls soccer finals and choir camp. Oh wells. I stayed at home sleeping, like a log. For like two days, I couldn’t do anything and I guess its forced rest that was long overdue and it enabled me to think a lot.
I realized that I a lot of things around me are coming or has come to an end. And it’s so hard. I was thinking of how in primary school we promised each other that we’ll still talk and keep in contact. But now, I’ve lost half of them. As I grew older and moved on to sec school and now jc, I realized that I really want those friends that I cherish to remain friends with me for the longest time possible. Cause whatever that I shared with them is a part of me, a part of who I am and I want to know that I never lost that part of me to someone else only to say goodbye to him or her.
Ok I guess I’m going around in circles. But I don’t know how to express or say it, but I guess there’s just this fear inside me that everything will leave me soon and for good. I don’t know why but I guess my dreams have part to play in this. Been having rather strange dreams lately and it caused me to stop and think a lot. Like what is truly happening around me, what impacts does it have and so on. People say that dreams are a sign to something, but to what? I really need to know, and with those dreams that I’m having, I’m desperate for an answer now!
But it all comes down to one simple conclusion, that a part of me fears the future. But how am I going to prepare for it? I can neither run nor hide. And I have no idea who to turn too. I don’t really want to tell my family cause I guess a lot is going on right now and they’ll probably tell me the same thing, which is to heck it all and just study. But is that what I should really do? And I’m afraid to tell my friends, even my best friends because I’m overwhelmed with fear that they’ll just walk away and take a part of me away with them, causing more questions to be left unanswered. How I wished that I was the old me, when I would just call up my friends and tell them anything, telling them how I feel without being afraid of something. I miss the times when I can do that, or even after school, just sitting around somewhere talking and slacking. But why am I so afraid of doing that now? What is wrong with me? And something tells me that dreams are not of any help either.
11:38 pm
