clara chan. 19. trying to figure things out.
Friday, April 06, 2007
farewell
I just realized that my last entry was in Jan. woah real long ago. A lot of things happened over the past few months. But I guess it’s part and parcel of life yea?
Well, last Thursday (29/3) my paternal grandfather ended his battle with cancer and left us. I found out during physical geog tutorial and I ran out of class leaving Mr Leong and ¾ of the class clueless. I was just stunned. I knew it would happen someday, I just never expected it to be so soon. Nic ran out of geog too to find me and we settled at a bench outside sc to talk. I was never that close to my paternal grandfather but I guess losing someone who is family just really causes your emotions to go crazy. Yea I lost uncle simon last year and I didn’t cry during that and I guess it’s because I wasn’t there and I haven’t seen him in ages. But this time I knew it would impact my dad hard, considering my dad visits him close to everyday and goes down every weekend without fail for the past close to ten years to bathe my grandfather before he went to the hospice. The first thing the ran through my mind was how was dad feeling. And the more I talked with nic I cried but I felt better afterwards as she diverted my attention to somewhere else. But I called my mom and found out more and I just started crying again. He died like 7 plus in the morning while I only found out at 11plus. So he had been gone for a few hours before I knew. I really want to thank my class and friends for being there and supporting me. I never cried so hard in school before and they were there. Thank you.
I took a green slip and sat outside the go with nic to wit for my mom and bro to come fetch me. I just kept so quiet and I had no idea what to do. When I reached telok blangah I saw the tents already put up and it really hit hard. Ye ye(paternal grandfather) was really gone. We waited for a while before my dad and my relatives started arriving. Everyone was just quiet and my grandmother was crying so badly. I felt so lost. I knew I used to complain a lot about my paternal side, but I realized that no matter what, they are still family and I care for them. When they carried ye ye’s body in, they said we had to call him, I could only whisper softly. And when they finally closed the coffin, I just whispered really softly bye be ye ye. Tears had already filled my eyes way before then, but I finally released them there and then. Seeing my dad cry was hard too. It really impacted me a lot.
The next couple of days were ok, and I really want to thank yew liang and mabel who came down to check on me, especially mabel. She was so sacred so we just sat at the back of the hdb block talking for hours. It meant so much that they were there and I really thank you.
I had clean forgotten that April 1st was April’s fools and I just let everything go by. But dae yeon and zhi lun;s dumb jokes made me feel better. Ok so I fell for dae yeaon;s but not zhi lun’s! haha I was smart enough then!
2nd April was the hardest. The day of cremation. I woke up in the morning knowing that today was going to be hard. My grandma came and cried so badly that we were all affected by it so much. The final round of prayers begun and this time I did not hold back. My cousins and I all started crying really badly cause we knew this was it. Today was the last day. As we walked down the streets, I told myself this was a walk I never wanted to take. I looked ahead and cried even more. I started thinking of the times of how ye ye was pre-stroke and cancer; how was he the silent yet loving grandfather. He rarely spoke and each time he did, it was only a few words. But I remember how he would always smiled at us and just enjoying every moment of being our grandfather. I looked at the sky, knowing that he is there now in the clouds. I silently thank him for everything. The bus ride to mandai was just so quiet. My mom said the whole way mandai wad done really dramatize the whole thing. And I know now. As they pushed the coffin away from us, I called out countless times to ye ye. Not wanting to let him go. No more whispers, this time I really asked for him. Within seconds he was pulled behind a door and gone from us forever. I hugged Sabrina and alan kor really closed, with my tears flowing like a tap. My mom came to me and told me to stop crying, cause the monk said the harder we cry, the harder the route to heaven will be for ye ye.
I’m sitting in front of my com typing this, with tears welling up in my eyes. I know I was a bitch during those days, cause I was so tired and lost that I got angry and lost my temper many times. To my family, I’m so sorry you guys have to out up with that when things were already hard. To my friends, thanks for being there listening to me whine and being emo. To my teachers, thanks for being so supportive and helpful., to my maternal side family, thanks for being there too; for just keeping my paternal side going.
And finally to ye ye, who is up in the skies. I never said this and I was mostly quiet each time I met you, but I want you to know that I love you and you’ll always be my silent and loving ye ye. You’re now up in the skies, watching over every single one of us. You are no longer suffering and I wish that you may rest in peace. Thanks for everything.
12:05 am
